Get to know all of your emotions.
My ex-husband and I separated in June of 2016. After 27 years I found myself in a rental home with my sons and crazy rescue dog, lost and broken.
I could not listen to music. Every time I turned on the radio my heart ached. Overwhelmed by grief, anger, despair, and confusion, music amplified my pain.
People go through stages of grief at varying degrees and different forms:
- Shock and denial—avoidance, confusion, fear, numbness, blame
- Anger—frustration, anxiety, irritation, embarrassment, shame
- Depression and detachment—overwhelmed, feeling blah, lack of energy
- Dialog and bargaining—reaching out to others, desire to tell one’s story, struggle to find meaning in what has happened
- Acceptance—exploring options, a new plan
- Return to meaningful life—empowerment, security, self-esteem, meaning
Going through these stages is normal and to be expected. It may be linear, but usually it’s a messy, back-and-forth process.
When dealing with grief:
- Give yourself the gift of time. Healing is not a one-time event
- Allow space for those moments when you feel like you have molasses in your veins
- Learn from your experience
- Practice self-compassion
I continually tried to listen to music. Each was an attempt to measure myself. “Am I done grieving? What’s wrong with you Moira? Why aren’t you over it yet? He’s moved on. Why can’t you?”
Acceptance is the answer.
A friend shared that acceptance of my grieving process would bring me peace – to see that all of life is a journey not a destination. I wanted to control my emotions, force solutions, and just ‘get over it’.
After two and half years I can now listen to music.
Feeling all my emotions showed me that I am lovable – whether I am married or divorced – making more or less money – or traveling around the world on standby alone. I am lovable when I can’t listen to music, or forget to pay a bill, or feel jealous of others who are in loving relationships.
I signed up for a Spotify account.
I joined a gym and listen to my favorite playlist while working out.
I took an adult hip-hop dance class.
I went on my first date.
Remember: To Every Thing There Is A Season
To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heaven:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, a time to reap that which is planted;
A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up;
A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance;
A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together;
A time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing;
A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away;
A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak;
A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace.
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Recovering takes times. It’s a process that cannot be rushed, stuffed, or minimized if you want to learn and heal from it.
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